The Mystrade Chronicles
by LonelyThursday
Summary: If there one thing Mycroft Holmes does NOT want, it is to go on a date with this woman, but WHY did he have to say he has a boyfriend (which he doesn't have). How can he get out of this? a birthday present for my very good friend Wisteria22.
1. Prologue

**AN:** So this is part one of one of the stories I'm writing for one of my best friends birthday. So happy late birthday Wisteria22 I hope this will be to your liking.  
And to those of you who have read my story Say Something I'm having a server writer's block for that story so when that's over with I promise it will be finished.

* * *

"Mycroft!" a familiar voice called, making Mycroft cringe. "Yoohoo Mikey!"

'_Just keep walking Mycroft and she'll go away,'_ he thought as he kept pace walking _away_ from the person so desperately trying to get his attention.

"Mikey! It's me," she said, overly positive, as she caught his arm.

He turned towards her with an expression someone dealing with an unruly child. "Miss Rosa I have asked you before to not. Call. Me. Mikey."

"Oh whatever I'm not working right now and neither are you so I was hoping you'd get some food with me, as a date! And really call me Vanessa." She said with enthusiasm, as if she couldn't tell Mycroft was one hundred percent _done_ with this conversation.

"Miss Rosa I believe I have made it quite clear in the past that I have absolutely no interest in going on a date with you. Now if you'll excuse me," He turned to leave again but Vanessa caught his arm again.

"Ok how about this, if you either give me one good reason why you won't go out on one little date with me _or_ you go on one little date with me I will stop pestering you, deal?" Before she even finished the question a thousand good reasons (mostly lies) as to why he won't go out with her. Good, legitimate reasons that were a clear no without any chance of follow up questions or proof. But rather than any of those, Mycroft ended up blurting out the first thing he thought of.

"I have a boyfriend." He told her, the shocked look on her face almost made up for the follow-up questions that were sure to come.

"Oh… Really? I-I didn't think you were… I-I mean that you don't come across as…"She stammers helplessly.

"Yes, well, if you'll excuse me I'm late for a date." _'Oh god this better not come back to bite me.'_

"Well I'd love to meet him sometime." She says a clearly fake smile on her face.

"Well, perhaps." _'No promises.'_

"How about Saturday night!" _'She wants even the most obscure "date" just to prove I'd fine her more appealing, pathetic.'_

"No I believe I already have plans."

"No worries I'll arrange something with your assistant, no need to worry about it." She turns to walk away but calls back over her shoulder "Can't wait to meet him!" and leaves.

'_Shit'_ he thinks and hurries back to his home. Hopefully Sherlock isn't overdosing tonight.

Interesting facts about Mycroft:

1). He doesn't like Vanessa Rosa

2). He isn't interested in women at all

3). Or men

4). Or just people in general

5). In fact the only people he can _stand_ are his parents, his brothers, and 'Anthea'.

But even the ever-capable Anthea couldn't keep Miss Rosa away from him and his "boyfriend" forever, and once that happened he was _so _screwed.

* * *

If you find any errors please tell me


	2. I just can't handle it

**AN:** well, chapter 2 already. I know these aren't very long chapters but... I don't know they aren't very long. maybe the next one will be longer.

* * *

"Oi! You! I told you to stop showing up at crime scenes! Especially when you're _high_!" A police officers yelled.

"Really Lestrade you _need_ me. How else would you be able to tell that if the sister has size eight feet than the sister did it?"

Lestrade thinks for a moment before answering. "If you get clean, you get the job, ok?"

"Well brother dear I am surprised. What, may I ask, convinced you to enter yourself in rehab?" Mycroft asked, making note to find out who convinced Sherlock to do this and thank them personally. After all every time he had put his brother in rehab Sherlock broke out as soon as Mycroft was out of sight.

Sherlock only grunted in reply. He was already in hell so why did the British government have to come bother him? If Mycroft stayed much longer he might break his promise to Lestrade, and cases are more fun than drugs.

"Hey Sherlock I just wanted to check on your progress!" Lestrade called from the door. _'Speak of the devil'_ thought Sherlock. "Hey who's this?"

Mycroft smirked as the answer to his question had just waltz in. "Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock's older brother." He said sticking his hand out to shake with the newcomer. "I assume you are the reason my brother has decided to put himself in rehab?"

"Um, yeah, sorry Greg Lestrade, um, at your service."

Mycroft smirked again, this man was an easy read. '_Police officer, trying to become a DI, married, two kids, both girls, wife is pregnant, wants a boy, worried about Sherlock, oh interesting thinks of Sherlock as his _son_, offering Sherlock cases if he sobers up'_. Mycroft nodded before heading towards the door, this man was trustable. He paused before Lestrade. "Here's my number if you need me. Goodbye Sherlock, Gregory."

"Lestrade I know that I'm in here so that you will let me on cases, but if you will be so kind as to leave me to my misery-"

"Cheer up Sherlock it can't be so bad." Lestrade said cheerfully.

"Can't be so bad!?" Sherlock yelled. "It's like my bones are on fire inside my body, like my blood has turned to magma and is melting me from the inside out. I can't focus, I feel sick, my vision goes _blurry_! I am in my own personal hell Lestrade AND YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE!"

"Ok, ok, bye Sherlock."

Sherlock continued to mutter and curse long after he was left alone.

"Anthea, if you would be so kind, my brother seems to have met one Gregory Lestrade, will you please subject him to standard protocol?" Mycroft asked as soon as he returned to his office.

"Of course sir," said Anthea, and she returned to her phone screen.

It was very strange that someone not only was willing to put up with Sherlock but was also thought of Sherlock as family already. _'I sincerely hope he comes up clean.'_

* * *

so Sherlock is at rehab, this chapter was pretty much just so Mycroft and Lestrade could meet so the chapters should be picking up now.


	3. I must get round to it

**AN: **So this chapter is longer than the first two combine (I think) so yay longer chapters! Also I am now using this story to motivate _  
'Mycroft's thoughts' __'Greg's thoughts'_

* * *

Two Years Later

"Sir you have a problem." Said Anthea.

"I have a problem? What do you mean?" But all the things he needed to know were written in her stance and the displeased look on her face.

"I cannot hold her back any longer, you have a dinner date Friday at five pm. Bring your 'boyfriend'."

"I don't have a boyfriend! Why can't she just forget about it and move on?" _'This woman will be the death of me.'_

"I don't know sir, but on a brighter note tomorrow is your monthly meeting with DI Lestrade. Perhaps you could…"

"No Anthea, I will not ask Gregory to pretend to be my boyfriend." _'Although the idea is not entirely distasteful. No I will not use Gregory in that manner.'_

"But sir he considers you a friend and I'm sure he wouldn't mind-" Anthea started before Mycroft cut her off.

"He is married, to a _woman_, I can hardly ask him to pretend to be my homosexual boyfriend." _'Although he doesn't have a _happy _marriage but he _does _want it to last.'_

"Actually sir he and Sherry got a divorce, the paper work went through just yesterday, he is officially single. At least ask him sir, after all I'm sure you'd rather date him than Miss Rosa."

"It is hardly a matter of whom I would rather date, Anthea. And I'm sure a perfectly heterosexual male would not be interested in going on a date with me, even if it is just a pretend date."

"With all due respect sir, you don't know that he is 'perfectly heterosexual' after all he could be completely bisexual and just happened to marry a female." She did have a point.

"I'm late for a meeting." And with that Mycroft left, with Anthea's words still reverberating through his head.

"Hey Myc." Greeted Greg cheerfully.

Ever since Sherlock got out of rehab Greg and Mycroft would have a monthly meeting where Greg would inform Mycroft of his brother's progress and health (as if Mycroft didn't have cameras in Sherlock's flat). They would always meet at Greg's favorite café, and often times he would find himself looking forward to seeing Mycroft. And now with the divorce he could feel free to explore why he looked forward to these meetings so much.

"Hello Gregory, you're looking well." _'Which is odd considering he just had a divorce.'_

"Yeah, actually Sherry and I just got a divorce." He told Mycroft hesitantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." _'Yet somehow I find that I'm not sorry, interesting.'_

"No it's ok," said Greg, clutching his drink a little tighter. "Both of us have well-paying jobs so no one pay alimony, she kept the house and I get the kids during their summer holiday and their winter holiday, so, ya know, it all works out."

"Well that's good." Responded Mycroft, not knowing how he should feel about this development.

"Sorry, I'm boring you with my personal problems aren't I?"

"It's no bother, and if you ever need anything feel free to call me." _'Am I being _generous_!?"_

"Thanks Myc. Well Sherlock seems to be thriving with these new cases, and he is trying very hard to stay clean."

"Is it working?" Mycroft, ever the skeptic

"Yeah, we've actually got him to agree to do several drug tests. He's clean."

"Well, if we're done here I must be going." He made to get up from the table but Greg caught his sleeve.

"No! Umm, I mean, no please stay, we can chat for a while." _'Way to be smooth Greg'_ he thought sarcastically to himself.

"Well I suppose." So Mycroft stayed and chatted about boring trivial things with Greg for another half hour. _'I never though normal people things could be so enjoyable.'_

After a while Mycroft decided that Anthea was probably right, might as well ask.

"Excuse me Gregory but I was wondering if you would do a favor for me?" He asked.

"Uh, sure Myc, what do you need?" _'don't get too hopeful Lestrade!'_

"Well there is this woman named Vanessa Rosa," (_'Crap he's straight.'_) "And she keeps pestering me for a date," (_'"Pestering"?'_) "But I'm simply not interested," (_'YES!'_) "So I told her I had a boyfriend. She understood but now she keeps pestering me so she can meet my boyfriend." (_'I like where this is going.'_) "The only problem is I don't have a boyfriend, she has arranged for us three to have dinner on Friday, I have absolutely no way of ducking out. So… I was wondering… if you would… I-I mean…"

"You want me to be your boyfriend for the night so she thinks you are both gay and taken?" Greg finished for him

Mycroft nodded. "It's not like I want to just use you, but I was hoping… and then she'd finally leave me alone and… it-it's ok if you say no I understand." _'Oh god, what if he says no?'_

"I would love to help you Myc." _'Oh god did that sound too willing?'_

"Ok I understand, I'll just- wait, you would!?"

Greg laughed. "Yeah sounds like fun. What time?" _'Can he tell…'_

"I'll, uh, pick you up at four thirty." Mycroft's face began to redden.

"Cool I'll see you then." He was about to leave when he thought of something. "Um, Myc? How, uh, how touchy feely do you want to be?" _'God, look at his face redden, I think it's cute, focus Lestrade!'_

"Just enough to convince her I am in a real relationship, so handholding and some endearments." _'Oh god could my face get any redder!?'_

"Sound good, see you on Friday Myc." He kissed Mycroft on the cheek before scurrying out the door. _'Oh dear god _why_ did you have to _kiss _him!? What if he _knows_!?'_

Mycroft stood there for a moment, stunned. Slowly, hesitantly, he raised a hand to touch the cheek that Gregory had just kissed; suddenly he was looking forward to Friday.


	4. I ain't ready

**AN:** Time to prepare for the fake date... what could possibly go wrong?

Sorry for taking so long to update but last week was band camp and I was too tired to do anything once I got home

Also you might notice that I changed the chapter titles, they are now lyrics from the song 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'

* * *

Friday Afternoon

_'Christ I feel like a teenage girl going on her first date.'_ Greg thought snidely. _'I've been on dates before I should know what to wear. But it's Mycroft fucking Holmes and some colleague of his so this must be something fancy. So a suit. I don't _have_ a suit I'm a police officer, a day that I manage to shower is a good day._

Greg groaned, he just had to face it he had one hour to get ready before Mycroft shows up and nothing appropriate to wear. He's been looking through his closet for almost an hour and it's time to face it, he's gained weight since the last time he wore a suit. He was doomed to look like an idiot in front of Mycroft and this Vanessa woman.

He's just about to scream in frustration when the doorbell rings.

_'Oh god, that better not be Myc. Calm down you still have almost an hour until he gets here.'_

He opened the door to reveal Mycroft's assistant, Anthea. She was texting with one hand the other hand was holding a box. She looked up to smile at him, when it registers what he was wearing she smirked and handed him the box.

"Mycroft said you might need this." She told him.

"Uh, thanks." He mutters to her retreating back.

Taking the box he closed the door and went back to the bedroom. Inside the box was a grey suit perfectly tailored to fit the DI.

_'That's so Mycroft.'_ He chuckled and proceeded to get dressed.

The next time the doorbell it was Mycroft, look as suave as ever. He gave Greg the once-over before smiling.

"Gregory, you look lovely this evening." _'And that suit works for you in _all_ the right ways.'_

Greg smiled and decided to make the best of this _'after all this will be our first and most likely last date. Even if it is fake.'_ "Well thank you love, so do you. Thanks for the suit by the way." He said, enjoying the way Mycroft blushed at the endearment.

Mycroft cleared his throat and grabbed Greg's hand, dragging him toward the car. "We don't want to be late now do we?"

Greg smirked.

The car ride passed in a somewhat awkward silence. About halfway through Mycroft cleared his throat.

"I believe we should talk about what we're about to do."

"What do you mean?" asked Greg, looking over at Mycroft.

"I mean, if you're ok with it… I mean… would you mind…" _'Come on Mycroft just spit it out!'_ "Wouldyoumindnottalkingaboutyourdivorce?" He said in a rush.

Greg stared back at him in confusion. "Could you repeat that, slower?"

"It's just that, I told Vanessa a very long time ago that I had a boyfriend and I would very much appreciate if you would…" He seemed to have trouble with that last part.

"You don't want me to mention Sherry." Greg finished. "It's fine Myc, I get it. In her mind if I was ever married it was years ago."

"I-I know it's not fair of me to ask you all this-" _'Oh god this is a mistake.'_

"It's _fine_ Myc, I don't mind, really." Greg squeezed his hand reassuringly.

The rest of the ride was spent in a much more comfortable silence.

* * *

**AN:** this is pretty much a transitional chapter but I thought it was cute :3


	5. Crazy little thing

**AN:** So, dinner with Vanessa Rosa. How is this gonna go? Let's find out!

I've been informed that _"This is so GAY!" _I think that that's probably a good thing? Whatever

* * *

A few minutes later the car pulled up in front of a posh looking restaurant. Mycroft opened the door for Greg who took his hand as he passed.

The inside of the restaurant proved to be even more fancy than the outside suggested and Greg tried not to gape in wonder. It was definitely better than any restaurant he'd _ever_ been in.

"Hello Mikey!" Called a woman sitting at a table in a secluded corner. _'Must be Miss Vanessa Rosa'_ Greg mused. She stood up and came over to them so she could hug Mycroft, ignoring Greg for the time being. "And here I thought you were avoiding me!"

"Why would anyone want to avoid you?" Mycroft replied with a hint of sarcasm that only Greg could hear. Greg tried to suppress a grin.

"Hello I'm Greg Lestrade." Said Greg, hold his hand out.

Vanessa looked at it with a slightly disgusted look on her face before putting on a fake smile and taking the proffered hand. "Charmed, I'm sure."

"Shall we sit?" Asked Mycroft.

As they were sitting Vanessa noticed where Mycroft was intending to sit so she took the seat next to it but Mycroft changed his mind and smoothly took a seat next to Greg. She looked slightly disgruntled but that didn't stop her from asking questions.

"So how did you two meet?"

"Well," started Greg. "I met his brother first and he kinda introduced us." Leaving out key details, but not lying.

"Oh… I didn't know you had a brother Mikey." She said, clearly hurt.

"I have two." Was Mycroft's only reply. _'You mean there's three Holmes' running around!? Heaven save us all.'_

"Uh-oh I-I'd love to meet them sometime." She stumbled trying to recover from the slight shock. _'Meet the family. Like a date… Why is that thought making me jealous? I mean Myc doesn't even like her. I haven't met all of his family. Shut up Lestrade you're only his _fake_ boyfriend.'__ 'Hmm maybe I should take Gregory to meet my family… He's just your _fake_ boyfriend Mycroft. FOCUS!'_

"I do not believe that would be wise." Said Mycroft. _'Though it may convince her to leave me alone. So few people can stand my family after all. No no, don't encourage her.'_

Greg snorted at the thought of this lady meeting Sherlock Holmes. Miss Rosa, on the other hand looked fairly annoyed.

A waiter came with their drinks.

"Excuse me Gregory, Miss Rosa but I must use the restroom." Said Mycroft after the waiter left.

"Ok Love." Acknowledged Greg. Vanessa smiled a sickly sweet smile.

"So," She started when Mycroft was out of range. "You and Mikey seem like a strange couple." The smile was dropped and a hostile glare took its place.

"Uh yeah I guess but-"

"Now listen, Greg," the sickly sweet voice was back. "You might not know what I do, but you must know from how I work with Mikey that I am a powerful woman. I don't want to see you hurt… Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"Is that a challenge?" Greg was not one to back down when challenged. Even if he wasn't dating Mycroft, this was a clear challenge for him. A battle of the alpha males (except Vanessa was a woman).

"A warning." An evil smile lit up her face. "Mycroft is mine." After a moment of silence the man in question returned to the table.

Dinner progressed in a mostly civil manner, except that at almost every turn a waiter would accidentally drop water, or food, or _god knows what _on Greg. As Greg's mood darkened, Vanessa's mood lightened, not that Mycroft ordered.

The waiter tripping and smashing cake on the side of his head was the last straw. _'Of course you realize, this means war.'_

"Well Vanessa we must be going." Mycroft said, with a fake apologetic tone.

"Oh well that's too bad. It was wonderful to see you Mikey, and to meet your boyfriend here." Not referring to Greg by name, a subtle way to irritate him _and_ refer to him as inferior.

"Same, I'm _sure_ ma'am." Return volley. Her fake smile faltered for a moment.

* * *

**AN:** So I feel like this is the chapter I've been building up to so I'm kinda disappointing in it but it has set the next stage of the plot, also known as **war**  
I also hope, if you've ever watched Loony Toons, that you caught my reference ;P


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